Following Blindly for all the Wrong Reasons

Let me tell you a funny but poignant story I heard many years ago.

Four generations of women and their families gathered for New Years Eve. It was their tradition to fix a large turkey for dinner and this year it was the newlywed, the 4th generation to cook the large bird.

So, as she had been taught by her mother, she got out her large roasting pan, sliced the back end off the turkey and covered the rest with aluminum foil. Her young husband watched and admired his young bride for her complete knowledge of preparing a turkey to cook. But he was a bit perplexed about why she had cut off the back end of the turkey, so he inquired about it. “That is the way my mother always did it.” She replied.

So the young man went to his Mother-In-Law and asked her why she always cut the end off the turkey before cooking it. "Well son, she said, that is how mother taught me to do it and I never thought anything about it; so that is how I do it still.

The young husband sighed. He was an engineer and the answers he was getting just weren’t setting right with him; so he went to his wife’s grandmother and asked her the same question. Again the answer was the same – “that is how I was taught by my mother son.”


“Someone in this family has to know what the science behind this tradition is,” he thought to himself as he approached the elderly great grandmother. “Granny,” he uttered respectfully, “Why do all the women in your family cut the back end off of the turkey before cooking it?”

“Son,” she replied as she sat up in her wheel chair, “I don’t have a clue as to why those silly girls do that. As for me, when I was a young bride I didn’t have a pan big enough to hold a whole turkey so I cut the end off to make it fit.” The three younger women dropped their chins nearly to the floor when they discovered that what they thought was a family secret for cooking a good turkey actually turned out to be one generation after another carrying on a tradition that didn’t exist and had no positive benefit.

This time of year you may be spending time with relatives and that gives you an opportunity to look at the habits and traditions that your families have created either willfully or unconsciously; now is the time to decide which of those habits and traditions are positive and productive and should be preserved. And there are others that should be abandoned like drinking too much, staying so long that angry words start to fly, or realizing that you want to create some of your own traditions that will benefit your own family.

How can you make your family traditions so wonderful for your children and grandchildren that they will always remember them with joy and anticipation? What do you need to do to stop traditions that end up with children feeling left out, or people getting sloshed or rude or hurtful? You have control over your life. And you can make choices that will ensure that your immediate family lives happier lives because of the choices you made early on. Be more concerned about making yourself and your children happy than you are about the possibility of hurting someone else’s feelings – they are adults – they are capable of dealing with their own feelings; you are not in charge of monitoring their reactions to what you say or do.


1. Be independent and do what is right for your family.

2. Don’t feel so obligated to blindly follow old traditions, especially if they take away from your happy moments with your immediate family.

3. Remember what I say: “The choices you make today will determine your tomorrow; choose wisely!” Karen Dougherty MS

Here are the lyrics to a fun Christmas song written by Frank S. Stringham, a professional musician, entertainer and motivational speaker. You can reach his blog through the link S.Capades in my "links" on this page.

Have a great holiday, see you here next Friday.

Old Fake Nick

1. If you see Santa on a corner and he’s ringin’ on a bell
And he tells you it’s for charity, you know, for sure, darn well,
That he’s a fake,…ooooh, yeah he’s a fake
If you see him in the mall, and he’s actin’ kinda funny
And he tells you that, in fact, at Easter time he’s Easter Bunny
He’s a fake,…oooh, yeah a fake.
If he doesn’t know when you’re awake
You probably have guessed he’s good for nothin’ flake

2. If you remember that he’s often seen with reindeer and a sleigh
And you see him get into a Ford and start to drive away
Then he’s a fake,…ooooh, yeah he’s a fake
If you’ve heard that he is comin’ here from somewhere in the north
And he’s sittin’ there and asking for Tequila por favor,
Then he’s fake,…oooh, yeah he’s a fake
If he’s allergic to the milk, and the cookies and the cake
And the pasta, and the candy, and potatoes and the steak
He’s a fake. Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh….

Bridge
The real Santa Claus, you could never mistake
“Cause he makes you want to say, “Be good, for goodness sake”
Don’t you think we’ve taken all that we can take
Don’t it make you want to just Rattle, Roll, and Shake?
Oooooooohhh, Santa Baby….

3. If you know that Old Kris Kringle is an elf that’s overweight
But you see him bony skinny and he’s standin’ six foot eight
Then he’s a fake….oooh, yeah he’s a fake
If his eyes don’t ever twinkle and he doesn’t seem too jolly
And you realize he’s the one who has been smokin’ all the holly,
He’s a fake,…oooooh, yeah he’s a fake
If you see him playing flute, while charmin’ a snake
He also is a fakir, as well as being fake.

End
He’s a fake…yeah….he’s an imitation, fabrication, simulation fake!

---

Attitude Makes the Day

Well, this week I have pneumonia and it looks like I'll be ill through the Christmas Holiday.

So Last week I wrote about how important it is to laugh, but this week I'm revising that sentiment a bit to warn everyone out there who may have a pulmonary crisis this week (like I do), laughing can actually hurt more than it helps.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, my whole family laughs a lot. Our sense of humor is what ties us together. We laugh at ourselves, at each other and at all the strange things we discover out there in the world. So now that the family is beginning to show up at my house for the holiday it has been much more difficult for me to maintain my lack of affect. The problem is that when I laugh it starts a chain reaction of coughing, chocking and sputtering between each gulp of air. All the commotion sounds pretty silly so that gets everyone laughing harder - now at my expense - which makes my attempts to keep from laughing harder still. Consequently I have been laughing myself into a coma about every 25 minutes or so since they arrived.

My whole body aches. The laughing and consequent coughing has stretched muscles all the way up and down my sides so when I'm able to relax I still can't get comfortable. So I sit in some strange position, which of course strikes someone funny and the laughing starts all over again.

My son wanted to show us some funny video clips he found on You Tube when he got here tonight, and that got us going again. And then there were the Ugly Dog Pictures and a few jokes that just couldn't be passed up...By now I think I'm ready for the morgue. But I guess if one is bound to die, it wouldn't be so bad to die laughing.

For a few days I was feeling bad that I wasn't out there buying gifts and getting the decorations out, but now, after doing some on-line shopping and sending my hubby to get the tree all by himself, things are starting to look up again. Even in spite of serious illness, we have found a way to make the most of the holiday season. I'm not one to complain much, but I'm always in favor of making adjustments in order to allow life to be as fun and fulfilling as possible. I refuse to let physical limitations rob me and my family of a great time together. So I guess that is the theme of this blog, Attitude is the definitive ingredient to making any holiday great~ choose to entertain the happy and enjoyable themes and leave the rest behind. Life is too short to waste time complaining instead of loving what we can make out of what we already have. Smile, it will make your day!

Keep Your Cool

Well, the holiday shopping is in full swing, the lights are going up on the houses around town and the shopping centers have degenerated into temporary holding tanks for those who are suffering with a dreadful, uncontrollable illness known as "Shop-a-holic syndrome" This is a disease of the body mind and holiday spirit. The first symptoms toy with your mind and can seem harmless enough, for example: You notice that Mrs. Jones has just brought home a Gucci bag, the same model that was displayed in the store window. You politely look away but before you can get a handle on your raging jealousy, the "illness" rears its ugly head, you smile, turn casually around and say, "Oh, Ms. Jones, Where did you find that quaint, Gucci knock-off? I saw one just like it in So-Ho for $15. You are so good to help the poor street vendors out like that." Then symptoms of the body take over as you wave casually goodbye, get into your car and then dangerously, race to the store only to discover that every Gucci Purse in the store has at least 2 women fighting over it. But today, you must get a purse, and, it has to be to-die-for - the brawl kills any spirit you had left for the season.

Well, maybe it's because I live in the country, or perhaps I just don't like crowds, I find it much less stressful to shop online. The major people in my family have on-line wish lists. That makes shopping a breeze. Out of 500 items I pick a few and thy are always delighted on Christmas morning.

Shopping on-line I avoid obsessed, neurotic people who insist that my parking space was really meant for them. Shopping on-line, I end up with no car repair bills, no lawyers and no headache; works for me.

Of course there is something nostalgic about taking the family to the mall and letting everyone spread out so that they can shop in secrecy. It is like a game of Clue as everyone acts like they want to avoid the rest of the family, but secretly they spy on each other hoping to get a glance of their future gift. If you go early, on a Tuesday Morning, you can get your shopping done in less time than it will take the thieves in your neighborhood to raid your home and steal all the presents you bought yesterday. But if you take time out to have lunch, take the kids to the arcade and stand in line to see Santa, you might as well give in to the fact that it is going to be a very long and exhausting day.

Some of my kids have made homemade gifts for each of us for Christmas and we cherish those things they put so much thought and effort into. One year they recorded classical hymns with both of them singing (they are professional singers) and that is something we will love always. One year my son wrote a little book, a story of the true meaning of Christmas, I show it proudly in my library. A pair of socks, another trinket for my shelves would be nice, but it is the love and attention that the personal gifts carry with them that I cherish.

So I'm not telling you to stop shopping and start crafting. I just thought that if you could give a little thought to the quality of the experiences you want to create for your holiday season, and then organize activities and duties in a way that will help your holiday dreams to come true, and then you just might get your wish. If you are happy the whole family will be happier. And that isn’t such a bad thing.

Laughter is Good Therapy

-The average adult laughs about 15 times per day
-The average preschooler laughs about 400 times per day.

“Psychotherapists have discovered humor as an aid in the treatment of several clinical disorders, most notably depression. Humor has been reported to strengthen the bond between client and therapist in the treatment process, increasing the progress toward recovery.” (Fry and Salameh, Catholic Health Association.)

As a therapist, I see people all the time who take themselves way too seriously. And one way that I know when a client is starting to heal is by the degree to which they are willing to laugh at life and at themselves.

I will never forget how impressed a mother was that I was able to “heal” her 14 year old son so quickly. In fact, it was humor that started him on his road to recovery. Early on I realized that the young man was terribly serious, and that his seriousness was a cover for intense fear; fear of rejection, fear of failure and fear of looking imperfect to family and friends.

The first 3 sessions he cried; then I discovered that he had a secret love of the comic strip “The Far Side.” I happened to have a large “The Far Side” book, so I loaned it to him. The next session was spent talking about the cartoons he enjoyed the most, and we laughed until he cried again. Until that day his mother hadn’t realized that he had a passion for humor. But after that day, both of his parents started lightening up and began laughing with him and his siblings regularly. The boy relaxed. In fact it seemed that the whole family began feel happier. They thought I was a miracle worker, but in fact, humor entered their life and tension began to fade.

Today laugh like a child, and it will be a great day.

Research has shown that laughing can help in:
• lowering blood pressure
• reducing stress hormones
• increasing muscle flexion
• boosting immune function by raising levels of infection-fighting T-cells, disease-fighting proteins called Gammainterferon and B-cells, which produce disease-destroying antibodies triggering the release of endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers producing a general sense of well-being.

Quotes:

Seven days without laughter make one weak.
-Joel Goodman
A smile is the shortest distance between two people.
-Victor Borge

Be Easy on Each Other

Today's Blog is in late because, well, I was in bed early and slept late; my version of recovery after a day full of cooking, family and stress. Of course most of the stress was good stress. But it seems that with every family gathering there is bound to be at least one point of undesirability. Perhaps it comes when uncle Joe flatulates at the table sending the adults running out of the room looking for air freshener and the kids giggling out of control. Or perhaps it happens when Grandma starts crying after mentioning how fun the holiday used to be when Grandpa was here to carve the turkey. Whatever the case, one moment of undesirable stress can take it's toll even on the best of days.

So now that the day is over and you are committed to either sit and watch football all day or go to the mall and shop till you drop, it is all our way of taking care of ourselves amidst stressful encounters. So today, let's be easy on each other. You go do your thing and let everyone around you do theirs. It is all decompression and all necessary. Let's not linger on the negative, or continually search out accolades for a job well done. Let's just go about life in a way that is good for us and hopefully, benefits the rest of the family. After all, once the weekend is over you will have to start thinking about how to deal with the next holiday family gathering. And that will take a clear mind and an untroubled heart.

Pay it Forward

This Thursday most of us here in the US will be glutting ourselves on turkey and pumpkin pie. There will be family gatherings and plans will be made for December holidays. Some of you live in areas where the weather is already cold and you have to remind yourself to bring an umbrella or to get out that windshield scraper. And for most of us, those who can get to a computer to read this blog, life just doesn't seem so bad.

Although I'm not going to guilt you into a generous frame of mind, I am going to talk a little about how giving to others can be the best therapy for whatever ails you. Those who have given of themselves on a regular basis realize that by doing good to others they themselves feel happier and more satisfied with life. This is a great time of year, there are so many opportunities to help others. Anyone can write a check to give to charity, but it is the giving of your own person, your time and your love that not only can enlighten another sole, but will help you become uplifted in the process.

Joseph B. Lightfoot said: Try to help others. Consult their weaknesses, relieve their maladies; strive to raise them up, and by so doing you will most effectually raise yourself up also.

We who have much are continually tempted to become deeply engrossed in our own affairs. We claim to be busier than God and quite often it feels as if we truly are. However, egotism and hedonistic pleasure seeking will never bring us true joy. In fact, true happiness comes only when we share a part of ourselves with another.
Mother Teresa once said: Everybody today seems to be in such a terrible rush, anxious for greater developments and greater riches and so on, so that children have very little time for their parents. Parents have very little time for each other, and in the home begins the disruption of peace of the world.

She often claimed that although she lived without monetary privilege, that because of her service to others, she was happier than most. Her family was the world. But for many of us, our family is a small selected few with whom we live; and charity begins at home.

I'm not asking that you leave your home and possessions and join the Peace Corps, but wouldn't it be wonderful if you, and everyone around you would commit to do one simple task each day to brighten the life of a friend, or a family member? Say hello to a lonely child. Help someone with their groceries. During this holiday season let's take a moment to do our part to bring peace to the world.

10 Tips For Enjoying Family Gatherings

The holidays are fast upon us. For some of us the holidays can be a time we look forward to, a time to enjoy the increase of good-will that seems to increase for a time. But for many, the holidays brings less benevolent feelings; feelings of loss, of loved ones that won't be coming home this year. Or perhaps everyone is coming for dinner and that brings up feelings of anger, jealousy or discomfort.

So, how can we get through the holidays without loosing our temper at inlaws or without feeling abandoned by those who aren't there?

1. First of all remember that you don't have to go anywhere you don't want to go. If you are invited to Uncle Joe's house for a party, but you cannot stand the way certain family member behave at family gatherings, you have the right and the choice to not go. Keeping your won sanity is much more important than trying to cater to people who really don't care much about you.
   

2. Set realistic goals
   This is key for keeping expectations simple -- for yourself and others. Don't expect that Uncle Joe is going to be a great guy (this time) just because it is the holiday season.
   

3. Make a budget and stick to it
   Financial worries add more stress. Don't try to keep up with everyone else. Spend what you can afford. Seek out free activities. Just because Great Aunt Betty gives you a gift doesn't meant you have to reciprocate.
   

4. Don't overdo
   Try not to overeat or drink excessively to escape stressful feelings. Eat healthy foods and get plenty of exercise. Allow for extra time when traveling. After dinner get out of the house and go for a walk instead of sitting next to Cousin Marty while he talks politics.
   

5. Pace yourself
   The holidays are more than one day; spread enjoyable activities throughout the entire season. With enough enjoyable activities with people of your own choosing you can breeze through until January without pulling your hair out
   

6. Try to stay in the present
   Look forward to the future. Life is full of change. Consider what is important in your life and good about these times. Don't set yourself up by comparing today with the good old days. This is especially true if you are missing a loved one. Cherish them in your private monents, but don't allow your loss to permeate your thoughts during what are supposed to be the happy moments. Enjoy those who are still with you.
   

7. Organize your time
   Make a list and star the important activities. Be realistic about what you can and cannot do. Be careful not to overbook yourself. Remember, you don't have to go if you really don't want to. The world won't fall apart if you don't show up at your neighbors Apple Bash.
   

8. Honor your own feelings
   Remember that the holiday season does not banish reasons for feeling sad or lonely. There is room for these feelings to be present. But plan times alone when you can express your feelings fully so that you don't have to carry them on your sleeve.
   

9. Spend time with supportive and caring people
   Don't waste your energy on "toxic" people or distant acquaintances.

10. Save time for yourself
    Recharge your batteries. Let others share some of the responsibilities.

Overcoming the Winter Blues

There is no need to suffer with the Winter Blues when there are some simple remedies that can have you singing-in-the-rain in no time at all. Now I'm not talking about a quick fix to a true clinical depression; for that you may need to seek professional help. But I do have the cure to those dark day blues that can catch us by suprise during the winter months. The following remedies may sound silly or even foolish, but I promise you that if you take them to heart and practice them when you are feeling down, you will start feeling better in no time.

1. Smile. It sounds silly, but studies have shown
   that even a fake smile produces "feel good" chemicals
   (endorphins) in your brain. Go find a mirror and force
   yourself to smile for at least five minutes. Go ahead, make faces at yourself if you want to. If your not
   laughing by within a minute or two, go outside and smile at strangers. Sound
   Strange? (You're probably smiling at the thought of it,
   right now!) It may be strange, but it works, I guarantee
   it!
   
2. Exercise. A good swift walk around the block
   or 15 minutes of aerobics will stimulate your brain's "feel
   good" chemicals. If you get into the habit of doing a
   little daily exercise, you can reduce your recurring feelings
   of despair by a drastic degree. If aerobics isn't your
   thing, just go for a 20 minute walk every day.
   
3. Keep a journal. In your journal write about
   whatever is bothering you. Write your feelings in all
   their blackness. Write about what part of the situation
   you did have, or could have had, some choice, some control
   over part of it. Then before you're through, for each
   entry, end the list with at least one thing you like about
   yourself. Then write one thing you would like to do to
   help someone else, (open a door for an older person at
   the mall, say something sweet to a child, etc.)
   
4. Do a good deed. This is another of those weird
   suggestions that sounds unrealistic. However, over and
   over, people have experienced, and studies confirm, that
   when you get out of your egocentric world of "woe-is-me,"
   and spend time helping others, you tend to forget about
   your problems, and your dreary feelings disappear. It's
   like nature's magical remedy. Even Oprah recommends serving others as a way to save ourselves. Try it- it works!
   
5. Talk to someone. Find someone you can trust.
   I don't mean your best friend who has, in the past, "leaked"
   something you have told them in confidence. I mean someone
   you KNOW will not tell anyone and who will not judge you
   or try to tell you HOW to feel. Someone who will just
   let you get it out of your system without trying to "fix
   it." If you're so inclined, cry while you talk. Studies
   (yes I read a lot of studies), have shown that depression's
   chemicals, produced by your brain, come out in your tears.
   Crying is a wonderful way to relieve yourself of the excess.
   It hurts for a while, but generally, afterward, you will
   feel much better.